Messed up world

I don't know what to say anymore, what to do, what to feel.

The last few months have been some of my worst days ever. My darkest days.

I keep expecting things to change, I keep seeing a light at the end of a long narrow tunnel and yet as I get closer it slips away and becomes unreachable.

I'm not embarrassed or ashamed to talk about the fact that I am depressed and I suffer from anxiety it is not something to hide away or  run away from. And so, I decided to do something which I have been trying to avoid for a long time and that is to take medication for my condition. So far, it has levelled me out, which is what it was designed to do, but I can not even begin to explain the exact feelings I have from day to day. Fluoxetine is the name of drug I am taking and it is a form of Prozac designed to target the serotonin levels in the brain (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) in short it targets your 'happy' feelings. I have been on these drugs previously and it did help my situation, but at the moment there is so much in my life that is going wrong that I can't seem to control anything.

I do have a tendency to overreact and become flustered with everything that goes in within my life, but at the moment it feels as if nothing will ever improve...
I have no job, no money, my university course has ended, I live with my mum again, I have gained weight and due to this I don't want to go out (sounds stupid), I eat for comfort, I have no motivation and I feel so alone...

I don't want to feel like this, every night I go to bed saying "Tomorrow things will change" and they do, but not for the better, I find one more thing that has gone wrong ... and the cycle starts again.

I have been ignoring everything, avoiding going out, constantly trying to decide how to sort my life out but nothing seems to change.

For some of you this will be something you can not comprehend, you couldn't possibly know what it's like to feel this way because you have never been 'depressed' or 'low', but for some of you out there you will know exactly what I'm going through, and I've heard 'It will get better' or 'You will get through this' and I know...but the answer I want to know is WHEN?

I know the solution rests with me, it is MY choice to put shit food in my mouth, and MY choice to be down, to a certain extent that's true, but being bombarded with everything makes it hard to find clarity in the midst of the all the haze.

2014 was one of the best years for me and going from that to this has hit me hard, I keep thinking to the times when I was happier and what it was that made me happy...but every time I push away that which makes me happy. I am my own worst enemy.

Part of me feels that I shouldn't be writing this and I should suffer in silence, 'get over myself' as many of you will be thinking but the fact is this is happening to me, that is a fact and hiding myself away is not helping.

I just want to be happy, I want a life in which I feel I have achieved something meaningful and worth while.

If anyone has any advice for me I would be grateful, I hate to say this because I am independent and always have been but...I need some guidance and help to pull through this.

I would love to hear other people's experiences and if the anti-depressants actually helped them...?

I hope my next post will be a cheerful one and  things will have improved...

So this year so far has been a rollercoaster of emotions, mainly stress, anxiety, anger and sadness.

First and foremost I've been avoiding posting about my endeavours lately because I feel as though nothing good has happened to me for a while and my 'healthy' routines have gone right out of the window which is not helping my mood at all.

I have been under a considerable amount of stress and it hasn't come to an end just yet; Firstly I am in my third year of University as you may have read from my last post and with that comes a mountain of work which I can't juggle with the rest of my life right now.

Also, I have just started a new job which is great news, yes, its just, unfortunately, another time-consuming part of my life I have to juggle. Along with this I have just moved out of my mums place which has caused me money issues (I have no money...and I'm not exaggerating) but once I am settled and have money for essentials I'm hoping I will feel more positive and on the upside it means I no longer have to commute for 3 hours a day. Evidently, It feels like I have had no time to myself for the last few months and my life has been going 100mph with no time to catch my breath...

On top of all of this my healthy lifestyle has gone to shit.

I haven't been able to go to the gym due to lack of time and/or energy and to be perfectly honest I have a huge lack of motivation recently, so this means I am really unfit and I have gained over a stone in the last few months, I feel like crap and now trying to get back into fitness and the gym but getting back into the routine I used to maintain is proving extremely difficult, I know that once it's all back on track I will feel amazing, but at the moment I feel like a whale and I just don't care about myself and my appearance anymore.

If it's not one thing it's another, my days off are not 'days off' they are days to do something else that I've neglected, whether that's uni work, general errands or moving house!

I pray that this stress will end soon and I can finally form some kind of routine again..

It's a vicious circle of getting stressed/ stress eating/ gaining weight/ being depressed about gaining weight and eating again...

I just hope I don't get back to the size I used to be and this all evens out over the next few weeks.

I have lost my passion and my love for anything and everything which is so disheartening!

I NEED to sort myself out, get back to the gym and feel passionate about looking and feeling great.

If anybody has any tips on how to deal with stress and also being able to handle the gym whilst being extremely busy, please message me!

Positivity is lacking, but I'm hoping it will appear again soon.
I will write again when it does.


Over and out.

Thank you for the many responses I received from my last post, they are all appreciated and help to make me feel a little bit more sane about the situation I'm in. So please keep them coming!

I don't like to to talk about this subject as it's a sensitive one to talk about but all my life I have suffered from anxiety and depression and it's been a roller-coaster ride for me.

I have taken medication for my condition but I am one of those people who want to solve problems the natural way, I started exercising, healthy eating and learned to love life. So for me medication is a last resort, yes it helps to an extent but it's not for everyone.

 Last year (2014) was a real high for me, I had my own place, I was eating healthy/working out, I was in a relationship, I was living in an amazing area near university, I had a job and I more importantly I had my independence, everything was going great...
But as usual I went and fucked things up.
I quit my job, developed an eating disorder, working out started to take over my life, my mind went to pot along with my relationship because I couldn't cope with myself. Something had to change but it wasn't what I thought...

So this meant I had to move back home with my mother and sister and so my independence has gradually disappeared, I have to commute to University, I am unemployed and my health/fitness has suffered immensely causing me to gain weight and lose my love for fitness. Along with this of course my financial situation has become a worry with the ever increasing debt and absence of income.

This time in my life is so far my lowest point but I am determined to get out of it and move on, not a great start to 2015 but I have been dwelling in the past for too long when I need to be heading towards the future and realising the possibilities are endless and we are only at the very start of a new year!

These things aren't going to happen over night, and changing your mind set from pessimistic to optimistic is a challenging thing to do.

For anyone else suffering from Depression or Anxiety you know that forcing yourself to do these things is a challenge, recently even getting out of bed and getting to university has been a struggle for me, having a lack of friends and family around me doesn't help and being around people with the same condition has really got to me and has led on a downward spiral.
You may think this is a moan/cry for help, but it's not, I want people to understand how these conditions effect day to day life.

I have not been going out, which in turn has made me bored which has led to over eating and weight gain and then I don't want to leave the house because I am anxious about what people will think of this new change. Silly right?
But this has been happening since my move in October and my moods have been erratic and my health/fitness inconsistent. All of these things have led to a worsened case of depression and in turn led to me not being able to sustain relationships with anyone, even myself.

First thing is first: Sort out my mind.
Then everything will fall into place.

Here are some things I need to do/ going to do to sort myself out:

• Try to concentrate on the here and now not what's going to happen at the end of the week or the end of the month.
• Get my University work in check
• Get my healthy eating back on track- I'm currently trying for the second time to become a Vegan, I got myself a cook book and have bought lots of lovely produce.
• Get my fitness back on track- This will take a while but I will start slowly and wean myself into it with Running/Cycling/Swimming/Yoga and Pilates.
• Think about myself more.
• Keep those who are good/positive close to me and get rid of the negative/angry people.
• Keep my money in check
• Get a job
• And eventually get a place to live back near my University.

I'm hoping all these things together will set me on a path to a happier life and in turn I will be able to do all the things I want to do and more.

Here is a little advice for people suffering with the same conditions as me;

1. I find making a list of things I need to do for the day/week a great place to start.
2. Night time is very important, always prepare for the next day then the worries will be halved for the morning.
3. Drink lots of water
4. Exercise is a natural anti-depressant, I find the best way to exercise is outdoors where you can be surrounded by nature. But try not to worry about finding time to do it.
5. Be with people! This is a big must, force yourself out- yes we all need alone time but getting out there and talking with people is a way to get worries off your chest and hopefully put a smile on your face.
6. Don't worry about being selfish, everybody needs it, there is a difference between selfish and considerate, just be considerate.

There is loads more I could write on the subject including depression as a hereditary condition and pushing people away on purpose but I can always come back to it at a later date.

This is just a snippet of what is going on in my life right now and how 'Messed up' it really is.

I just hope everything will fall into place and I can be myself again, because at the moment I feel like a zombie.

I would love to hear some of your experiences and I would LOVE if anybody has any advice for me.

Thanks for reading, have a great day and make each moment count!

Namaste