Messed up world

The end is in sight- the end of three years of hard work, stress, endless essays, reading and deadlines.

I don't like to to talk about this subject as it's a sensitive one to talk about but all my life I have suffered from anxiety and depression and it's been a roller-coaster ride for me.

I have taken medication for my condition but I am one of those people who want to solve problems the natural way, I started exercising, healthy eating and learned to love life. So for me medication is a last resort, yes it helps to an extent but it's not for everyone.

 Last year (2014) was a real high for me, I had my own place, I was eating healthy/working out, I was in a relationship, I was living in an amazing area near university, I had a job and I more importantly I had my independence, everything was going great...
But as usual I went and fucked things up.
I quit my job, developed an eating disorder, working out started to take over my life, my mind went to pot along with my relationship because I couldn't cope with myself. Something had to change but it wasn't what I thought...

So this meant I had to move back home with my mother and sister and so my independence has gradually disappeared, I have to commute to University, I am unemployed and my health/fitness has suffered immensely causing me to gain weight and lose my love for fitness. Along with this of course my financial situation has become a worry with the ever increasing debt and absence of income.

This time in my life is so far my lowest point but I am determined to get out of it and move on, not a great start to 2015 but I have been dwelling in the past for too long when I need to be heading towards the future and realising the possibilities are endless and we are only at the very start of a new year!

These things aren't going to happen over night, and changing your mind set from pessimistic to optimistic is a challenging thing to do.

For anyone else suffering from Depression or Anxiety you know that forcing yourself to do these things is a challenge, recently even getting out of bed and getting to university has been a struggle for me, having a lack of friends and family around me doesn't help and being around people with the same condition has really got to me and has led on a downward spiral.
You may think this is a moan/cry for help, but it's not, I want people to understand how these conditions effect day to day life.

I have not been going out, which in turn has made me bored which has led to over eating and weight gain and then I don't want to leave the house because I am anxious about what people will think of this new change. Silly right?
But this has been happening since my move in October and my moods have been erratic and my health/fitness inconsistent. All of these things have led to a worsened case of depression and in turn led to me not being able to sustain relationships with anyone, even myself.

First thing is first: Sort out my mind.
Then everything will fall into place.

Here are some things I need to do/ going to do to sort myself out:

• Try to concentrate on the here and now not what's going to happen at the end of the week or the end of the month.
• Get my University work in check
• Get my healthy eating back on track- I'm currently trying for the second time to become a Vegan, I got myself a cook book and have bought lots of lovely produce.
• Get my fitness back on track- This will take a while but I will start slowly and wean myself into it with Running/Cycling/Swimming/Yoga and Pilates.
• Think about myself more.
• Keep those who are good/positive close to me and get rid of the negative/angry people.
• Keep my money in check
• Get a job
• And eventually get a place to live back near my University.

I'm hoping all these things together will set me on a path to a happier life and in turn I will be able to do all the things I want to do and more.

Here is a little advice for people suffering with the same conditions as me;

1. I find making a list of things I need to do for the day/week a great place to start.
2. Night time is very important, always prepare for the next day then the worries will be halved for the morning.
3. Drink lots of water
4. Exercise is a natural anti-depressant, I find the best way to exercise is outdoors where you can be surrounded by nature. But try not to worry about finding time to do it.
5. Be with people! This is a big must, force yourself out- yes we all need alone time but getting out there and talking with people is a way to get worries off your chest and hopefully put a smile on your face.
6. Don't worry about being selfish, everybody needs it, there is a difference between selfish and considerate, just be considerate.

There is loads more I could write on the subject including depression as a hereditary condition and pushing people away on purpose but I can always come back to it at a later date.

This is just a snippet of what is going on in my life right now and how 'Messed up' it really is.

I just hope everything will fall into place and I can be myself again, because at the moment I feel like a zombie.

I would love to hear some of your experiences and I would LOVE if anybody has any advice for me.

Thanks for reading, have a great day and make each moment count!

Namaste

About 2 years ago I decided to change the way I look...

Now you may think that's a superficial thing to do but it wasn't just because of the way I looked, it was the way I felt and the fact that my natural body shape is a pear, now for people who are pear shape you feel my pain, my thighs/bum were massive (that isn't an understatement) It upset me that I couldn't wear jeans or trousers and it felt so uncomfortable for me to reveal my legs without tights.

Most people go through fad diets and lose some weight, others stick at it, and to my own surprise I stuck at it and I am where I am today through hard work and determination. After a long time of keeping up with fitness and health food it becomes a lifestyle and a routine and you no longer have to debate whether you are choosing the right foods.

Here are a few pictures from 'Before' I don't have many because sufficed to say I hated having pictures taken; I am 5 ft 3 and I weight about 12 stone at my heaviest, which doesn't sound a lot but when you're small and bottom heavy it looks a lot more.

Bottom heavy!

Fitness
It was a slow and steady process and when it came to fitness I started off at the deep end- I didn't want to head straight to the gym because I didn't want people to see me sweating and panting and to be honest neither did I, so I started with a home workout, you may have heard of it 'Shaun T's Insanity' and boy is it insane...
I used to wake up early in the morning and follow the calender, each day was different, one day was more cardio, then abs etc. It was very difficult but after a week I saw results so I continued. After that I joined a gym and kicked my workouts into high gear slowly working my way up from walking, to uphill walking then to running (which I never thought I'd be able to do!) and then other machines took over like the dreaded stepper!
For me it was a challenge to keep my legs from becoming bulky and losing weight but that only really happens when you have lost your weight, basically now a days I use things like Pilate's and Yoga to keep my legs lean and not too bulky but I like my weights too much.
My one piece of advice is don't avoid heavy weights, they work wonders on your body making it lean and when you eat the muscle causes you to burn my calories!
Now a days I find it hard to balance and I'm still in that mind set of losing weight when I don't need to as my body seems to be at a comfortable weight so it's just maintaining it and trying to keep active, outdoor activities are starting to creep in which makes me feel a million times better- fresh air = happy Sophie.

Food
Now you think that me being that size would have meant I over ate...not at all, for me my metabolism was a lot slower than other peoples due to my lack of activity, I never did sports or any form of physical training I would much rather have had my head buried within a book...and sufficed to say this meant a slow metabolism and a bit of a sweet tooth...
So, discovering this I had to take action, unfortunately as I am a pear shape all my extra weight went to my thighs and one of the things that caused this was my love of all things carbohydrate, bread/pasta/rice I loved it all especially bread.
So my answer to this was to start with small replacements, first white to brown bread, then white pasta to brown and brown rice etc. then I broke it down even more in the future and replaced rice with Quinoa and pasta with noodles, you have to remember this happened over a year and small changes are better than non.  I also analysed my portion sizes and started using smaller plates for my meals, so I would have the same meals as my family/boyfriend but just smaller amounts and with a different type of pasta/rice, I could see the results and it helped dramatically with my digestion and my IBS, I recommend the switch, white pasta and rice has no nutritional benefit as it's refined, brown and wholemeal products offer extra fibre and vitamins and they taste so much nicer!
Anyway, it came to the point where I didn't want things like chocolate/ice cream/sweets as I had replaced this with natural sugars from fruits and veg, you really don't care anymore (I'm not ruling out the occasional treat) but for me ice cream was replaced with frozen yoghurt's and chocolate went from milk to 85% dark and sweets were replaced with dried fruit (however sweets are still one of my weaknesses) I love my Percy pigs too much!
But you have to remember moderation, don't over eat one thing, if you want something sweet have some fruit and if that doesn't satisfy you have a few sweets or a piece of dark chocolate! It's not the end of the world...just avoid eating a whole tub of Ben and Jerry's to yourself! haha.
Once you get into a healthy eating routine you get excited about cooking and trying out new recipes, I used to hate salad now one of my favourite things to eat is Kale and a lovely salad! I also highly recommend Asian cuisine like noodles/stir fries/curries, spice is a good thing and boosts that metabolism!

Drinks
Believe it or not I could go a whole day with one drink, yes one glass of juice, this was probably not helping with my slow metabolism as drinking water daily helps speed it up and also flush you out !
Now a days I drink a lot, and I try to make as much of it water as I can but I do like no added sugar juices and my cups of tea (I'm a bit tea obsessed) but just doing this I could see so many things change, my digestive system, my energy levels and my skin was better than ever, it is true what they say drink more water!!

Like most women I'm still not 100% happy with my figure, especially at the moment as I haven't been attending the gym as much as I would have liked but I have had a lot going on lately with moving/work and other life issues, but hey ho got to stay positive or we all get washed away with negativity!

Here are some after pictures of when I lost the weight:





I feel happier and healthier and I am amazed that I can actually run now and I have a 10K race coming up soon which I hope to complete in a good time!

I will post some recipes and meal ideas up when I can as I really do love cooking!

but for now

Namaste