Messed up world

I don't like to to talk about this subject as it's a sensitive one to talk about but all my life I have suffered from anxiety and depression and it's been a roller-coaster ride for me.

I have taken medication for my condition but I am one of those people who want to solve problems the natural way, I started exercising, healthy eating and learned to love life. So for me medication is a last resort, yes it helps to an extent but it's not for everyone.

 Last year (2014) was a real high for me, I had my own place, I was eating healthy/working out, I was in a relationship, I was living in an amazing area near university, I had a job and I more importantly I had my independence, everything was going great...
But as usual I went and fucked things up.
I quit my job, developed an eating disorder, working out started to take over my life, my mind went to pot along with my relationship because I couldn't cope with myself. Something had to change but it wasn't what I thought...

So this meant I had to move back home with my mother and sister and so my independence has gradually disappeared, I have to commute to University, I am unemployed and my health/fitness has suffered immensely causing me to gain weight and lose my love for fitness. Along with this of course my financial situation has become a worry with the ever increasing debt and absence of income.

This time in my life is so far my lowest point but I am determined to get out of it and move on, not a great start to 2015 but I have been dwelling in the past for too long when I need to be heading towards the future and realising the possibilities are endless and we are only at the very start of a new year!

These things aren't going to happen over night, and changing your mind set from pessimistic to optimistic is a challenging thing to do.

For anyone else suffering from Depression or Anxiety you know that forcing yourself to do these things is a challenge, recently even getting out of bed and getting to university has been a struggle for me, having a lack of friends and family around me doesn't help and being around people with the same condition has really got to me and has led on a downward spiral.
You may think this is a moan/cry for help, but it's not, I want people to understand how these conditions effect day to day life.

I have not been going out, which in turn has made me bored which has led to over eating and weight gain and then I don't want to leave the house because I am anxious about what people will think of this new change. Silly right?
But this has been happening since my move in October and my moods have been erratic and my health/fitness inconsistent. All of these things have led to a worsened case of depression and in turn led to me not being able to sustain relationships with anyone, even myself.

First thing is first: Sort out my mind.
Then everything will fall into place.

Here are some things I need to do/ going to do to sort myself out:

• Try to concentrate on the here and now not what's going to happen at the end of the week or the end of the month.
• Get my University work in check
• Get my healthy eating back on track- I'm currently trying for the second time to become a Vegan, I got myself a cook book and have bought lots of lovely produce.
• Get my fitness back on track- This will take a while but I will start slowly and wean myself into it with Running/Cycling/Swimming/Yoga and Pilates.
• Think about myself more.
• Keep those who are good/positive close to me and get rid of the negative/angry people.
• Keep my money in check
• Get a job
• And eventually get a place to live back near my University.

I'm hoping all these things together will set me on a path to a happier life and in turn I will be able to do all the things I want to do and more.

Here is a little advice for people suffering with the same conditions as me;

1. I find making a list of things I need to do for the day/week a great place to start.
2. Night time is very important, always prepare for the next day then the worries will be halved for the morning.
3. Drink lots of water
4. Exercise is a natural anti-depressant, I find the best way to exercise is outdoors where you can be surrounded by nature. But try not to worry about finding time to do it.
5. Be with people! This is a big must, force yourself out- yes we all need alone time but getting out there and talking with people is a way to get worries off your chest and hopefully put a smile on your face.
6. Don't worry about being selfish, everybody needs it, there is a difference between selfish and considerate, just be considerate.

There is loads more I could write on the subject including depression as a hereditary condition and pushing people away on purpose but I can always come back to it at a later date.

This is just a snippet of what is going on in my life right now and how 'Messed up' it really is.

I just hope everything will fall into place and I can be myself again, because at the moment I feel like a zombie.

I would love to hear some of your experiences and I would LOVE if anybody has any advice for me.

Thanks for reading, have a great day and make each moment count!

Namaste

It seems a little bit presumptuous to be making my new years resolutions already but why the hell not!

I don't usually believe in making resolutions, but what harm can having new goals and aims for a new year do? Surely it's only for the better.

This year hasn't been fantastic for me, it has involved a lot of highs and a shit load of downs, things have constantly changed, moved, gone back, gone forward, and next year I'm hopeful that this will all level itself out into some sort of stability.

A few things for a new me:

1. I think I've finally figured out what I want to do in my career after university so at the moment I'm trying to find an internship/placement for the new year, fingers crossed.
2. I plan to re-invent myself and go for a smarter more sophisticated look, and immerse myself in fashion, because for me looking good is feeling good, a point I need to take into account more often. Yes, we all love a pair of jeans and an over sized t-shirt (me especially) but it's time to look fabulous and hopefully this will boost my confidence and help me find that perfect career. 
3. Read more- I read a lot as it is, but I could always use a wider variation of literature.
4. Write more, this includes; my blog, articles, reviews- I want to make my blog into something I'm proud of and I can show to perspective employers to impress them. 
5. Get rid of the baggage in my life- the people that just hang around, I have high expectations of people and in my love life I want someone to sweep me off my feet. So if you want me, one important rule: come get me!!
6. Keep up with my fitness, I've started again but unfortunately i'm ill at the moment which is killing me. But I'm looking towards the future!
7. Be more fashion conscious 
8. More money (Who doesn't want that) 
9. The most important thing- think about myself. Be selfish, and love myself. 
10. Try to get a good grip on my anxiety/depression and try and be happy all the time.