Messed up world

Showing posts with label Personal. Show all posts

I hadn't fully understood that phrase until today.

Life is full of ups and downs, it continues to move along even when the brakes have firmly been applied and you don't want it to move. It really is a terrifying unpredictable ride.

Today I embark on yet another move, this time back to my hometown of Barrow-in-Furness to hopefully rekindle my love for nature, family/friends but most importantly the love for myself. During this last year, a lot has happened, and in the midst of everything I have lost the love for myself, I have stopped caring about my appearance, what I eat and what I do. Unfortunately, the passion, motivation and the drive I once had has slowly but surely faded away, but time and time again I try to push through.

We traipse through life blaming others for our mistakes, telling ourselves time and time again that the problem is how others choose to perceive us. No, that is not right. The basic truth is that it is all down to us. However, I do not rule out the fact that there are always circumstances and relationships that drastically affect our moods and our choices in life, one of the biggest ones being family especially when you are at a young age.

Family is one of the reasons I have had a complex life, I have never had the 'traditional' family, a father and mother who are married and had a steady income, no, but in some ways I'm glad for the life I have. I have always embraced having a creative family, having a mother who is a singer and having her single handedly persevere to try and make the most of her life. This non-traditional family has also caused a lot of grief, especially financially, only having one income meant that my mum had to work full time and attempt to look after me at the same time, life is challenging but we always find a way to survive. However, as much as we try to run away from our family, we can not deny that sometimes we need their help and support to get through troubling times, and as long as they are willing to do that, you know that they will always love you.

On my rollercoaster,I have experienced a lot, the complex ups and downs of a meaningful long-term relationship, the ins and outs of family life and most importantly that there never really is an age you 'grow up'. I have always rejected the idea of routine and comfort, most probably because I didn't have much of a routine growing up and every day was different. However, looking back on my life I realise the happiest time of my life was when I had a routine, a place of my own and somebody to come back to every night. It has taught me such a valuable lesson that we should never take what we have for granted, and though I am moneyless, alone and have no idea where I'm headed in the future, I know that things will turn out alright in the end if I only learn to embrace it.

And when this rollercoaster levels out onto a smooth track of a steady routine I only hope that I will enjoy every second of it and never take what I have for granted again.

"Life is a Rollercoaster, you just have to ride it"

"Ch-ch-changes

Just gonna have to be a different man

Time may change me

But I can't trace time"

David Bowie

Yesterday I spoke to a friend, a good friend, about how I don't feel the same, I feel as if I have become a completely different person.

And his response was: "we are constantly changing".

This hit me hard. And whether I had realised it or not we never stay the same. Every day our situation changes, we grow, we learn, we develop new relationships and lose old ones. Some aspects of life are sad, like losing loved ones, growing apart from friends or constantly being alone but however hard this is we have to try and look past that to the good things in life such as; new relationships, new experiences and the future.

In certain situations, we change ourselves to fit the mold of life, in a long term relationship we start to think about others needs above our own, we start to think what would be best for "us" not "me", compromise and selflessness are beautiful things when used in conjunction with each other but when it starts to sway to a one-sided affair things can turn sour. The point I'm trying to make is that we all need time to ourselves, we all need time to discover what we want and that is the journey I am currently on right now.

This last year hasn't been easy, in fact, I would go on to say its one of the worst years I have had, but we all must experience the lows to experience the highs. I think I have paid my dues for now...

My number one discovery is that learning to be alone (after not being alone) is a very hard transition and one that should be made with close friends and family. I have had to make the journey with family as friends are in short supply (as we all have our own lives) and as my mum is at work I have had to make it with my sister, its a lot to put on a young girl and I wish I didn't have too, but she is very understanding.

Each day I am learning that I love different things, my obsession with fitness has died (even though I still love exercise and the outdoors), my creativity is returning along with my 'womanly' traits (aka the constant need to watch chick flicks!). I have been questioning myself a lot, like why did I get in this state, what happened, what do 'I' need, Unfortunately, I went through a phase of blaming others for everything that has gone wrong or actually things that I did right, but after all of that it finally hit me that the only person to 'blame' or hold accountable for was myself. Nobody forces you to do anything you don't want to do of course you can be swept up into it but the fact of the matter is you chose to do it!
I'm not ruling out the fact that many situations are complicated and many things can affect you such as stress, depression, anxiety etc. but we must try to look past these labels and focus on our needs.

I will probably always have depression and anxiety, but thinking about it or taking tablets for it does not solve it. For me, what solves it is getting up and doing things, taking my mind off it and striving for greatness. I'm trying my best to expel negativity and remain positive. I am not where I want right now but at least I am on a path to where I want to be. Many things have gone wrong but now it's time for things to move on and progress.

I just had a great idea, I think I will make a list of goals for the future, write them down and make a plan of how to get there! *pat on the back*

What we all must remember is not to be afraid of change, it happens every day, and it will happen every day and trying to control it can only lead to misery and heartache.

Be adventurous, be free and have an open mind!

As some of you may know I moved out of my mother's house a few months ago and I have my own little studio flat, sounds perfect right?

Well, in hindsight it was a great idea, however, living here is a different matter entirely. I live in the centre of town above a shop, so firstly I can hear the shops music which starts around 8 am. My toilet and shower are separate, the shower opposite my door and the toilet a floor down, which is frustrating. I share the floor with a couple who don't seem to get along...at 2am, most nights. The windows are single glazed so I can hear everything and feel everything (cold wind). And everything I cook makes things smell for days and it lingers on my bedding/clothes.
My neighbours have control of the heating and it's very difficult to set up wi-fi for some reason.
It's not a very large size and climbing up 2 flights of steep stairs every day is taking its toll.
Overall, it feels like I live in an office building rather than a home.

So, in hindsight- an amazing idea.
In reality...not so much.

I guess this is part of the reason I'm stressed, I don't like this place and it's costing me money, I'm paying for somewhere I don't want to be but I do like my independence.

Decisions need to be made after this week and I need to stick to a plan!

Along with this comes the bigger issues- being alone.

At first having a new sense of freedom was great, I needed a break, I needed time to myself to figure out what it is I want in life, but have I found that, no, of course not.

Do I know what I need to do to move forward, no, but who does?

Don't get me wrong, I love my alone time as much as the next and I thought that's what I wanted, I wanted to be alone all the time...

I was WRONG.

Being social is the cornerstone of life, it is what influences us in our decisions, helps us calm down after seeing a sea of strangers all day and I believe a hug is the best anti-depressant I have ever experienced.

I miss my routine, I miss stability, and I miss being around someone who every day made me smile, knew what I needed, supported me and loved me no matter what.

I don't regret anything because I needed this time to myself when I was completing my university work, but now I need to realise what was important, and what made me happy.

As humans, we really do jeopardise our own happiness, and for what? I have no idea, and thinking about it hurts my head....

I suppose what I'm trying to say is; you don't know what you have...until it's gone.

It seems a little bit presumptuous to be making my new years resolutions already but why the hell not!

I don't usually believe in making resolutions, but what harm can having new goals and aims for a new year do? Surely it's only for the better.

This year hasn't been fantastic for me, it has involved a lot of highs and a shit load of downs, things have constantly changed, moved, gone back, gone forward, and next year I'm hopeful that this will all level itself out into some sort of stability.

A few things for a new me:

I think I've finally figured out what I want to do in my career after university so at the moment I'm trying to find an internship/placement for the new year, fingers crossed.
I plan to re-invent myself and go for a smarter more sophisticated look, and immerse myself in fashion, because for me looking good is feeling good, a point I need to take into account more often. Yes, we all love a pair of jeans and an over sized t-shirt (me especially) but it's time to look fabulous and hopefully this will boost my confidence and help me find that perfect career.
Read more- I read a lot as it is, but I could always use a wider variation of literature.
Write more, this includes; my blog, articles, reviews- I want to make my blog into something I'm proud of and I can show to perspective employers to impress them.
Get rid of the baggage in my life- the people that just hang around, I have high expectations of people and in my love life I want someone to sweep me off my feet. So if you want me, one important rule: come get me!!
Keep up with my fitness, I've started again but unfortunately i'm ill at the moment which is killing me. But I'm looking towards the future!
Be more fashion conscious
More money (Who doesn't want that)
The most important thing- think about myself. Be selfish, and love myself.
Try to get a good grip on my anxiety/depression and try and be happy all the time.

These are lose goals, but just some points I want to try and expand on over the year!

A lot of people now a days are becoming vegetarian or vegan, owing to many different life choices, morality, health, etc so forth.

I became vegetarian because my life led me to it, I had started trying out vegetarian recipes more and more and they tasted so much better than the meat alternative, so why not! I love vegetables and my diet had boiled down to mainly sources of fruit and vegetables, and so being a full vegetarian seemed like a logical step forward right..? I also used to be a vegetarian for a short period a couple of years ago and found it challenging, this time it seemed so easy.

However, I have discovered a lot of things whilst becoming vegetarian, and one of them is you have to rely heavily on grains/carbohydrates in order to fuel your body, meat substitutes such as Quorn can only go so far when providing protein and vitamins and they offer a different type of protein to meat. Also, now being a commuter I have very little time to prepare my meals and make sure they are well balanced which is a lot harder to do when meat is out of the equation.

But, for me, the main thing that is disheartening me about this life change is that I have gained weight and become what I call 'flabby'. Meat was my main source of protein for when I was working out and it always made me look and feel lean, it always provided me with sufficient energy and to be honest I loved my chicken. Now, on a full vegetarian diet my moods have gone erratic, I'm not getting enough iron in my diet even though I'm taking supplements and I never feel full anymore and if I do it also comes with an added side of IBS.

Whilst I respect anyone who is vegetarian and or vegan I feel that perhaps this isn't for me...
I no longer crave meat at all so weaning myself back into it could be a challenge but one I am willing to take on. I never really ate red meat so that isn't too much of a problem for me and I doubt I will be eating much of it again, but getting myself back onto chicken and turkey will be a good direction to take. Of course I will continue to eat loads of fruit and vegetables but just add in the occasional meat dish !

I am making a lot of changes over the next week, and I always have an urge to rush into things and make them change immediately, unfortunately life doesn't work like this...(I've learnt) and so getting myself back to a regular gym routine and new eating habits could take some time, but I am willing to do it, I miss my fitness and I have become lazy, it's time to get back into it and do something I love, however I need to balance this with the rest of my life and make sure I have time for everything, including the things I enjoy.

I will keep you posted about my changes and how I've been feeling lately (it's not for the faint hearted) lets just say I have a lot of life adjustments to come to terms with.

But how do you feel about this topic? Do you think I'm wrong to want meat again? Or do you think it's the right way to go..? I'd love to hear what you think!

Bye for now !