I don't know what to say anymore, what to do, what to feel.

The last few months have been some of my worst days ever. My darkest days.

I keep expecting things to change, I keep seeing a light at the end of a long narrow tunnel and yet as I get closer it slips away and becomes unreachable.

I'm not embarrassed or ashamed to talk about the fact that I am depressed and I suffer from anxiety it is not something to hide away or  run away from. And so, I decided to do something which I have been trying to avoid for a long time and that is to take medication for my condition. So far, it has levelled me out, which is what it was designed to do, but I can not even begin to explain the exact feelings I have from day to day. Fluoxetine is the name of drug I am taking and it is a form of Prozac designed to target the serotonin levels in the brain (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) in short it targets your 'happy' feelings. I have been on these drugs previously and it did help my situation, but at the moment there is so much in my life that is going wrong that I can't seem to control anything.

I do have a tendency to overreact and become flustered with everything that goes in within my life, but at the moment it feels as if nothing will ever improve...
I have no job, no money, my university course has ended, I live with my mum again, I have gained weight and due to this I don't want to go out (sounds stupid), I eat for comfort, I have no motivation and I feel so alone...

I don't want to feel like this, every night I go to bed saying "Tomorrow things will change" and they do, but not for the better, I find one more thing that has gone wrong ... and the cycle starts again.

I have been ignoring everything, avoiding going out, constantly trying to decide how to sort my life out but nothing seems to change.

For some of you this will be something you can not comprehend, you couldn't possibly know what it's like to feel this way because you have never been 'depressed' or 'low', but for some of you out there you will know exactly what I'm going through, and I've heard 'It will get better' or 'You will get through this' and I know...but the answer I want to know is WHEN?

I know the solution rests with me, it is MY choice to put shit food in my mouth, and MY choice to be down, to a certain extent that's true, but being bombarded with everything makes it hard to find clarity in the midst of the all the haze.

2014 was one of the best years for me and going from that to this has hit me hard, I keep thinking to the times when I was happier and what it was that made me happy...but every time I push away that which makes me happy. I am my own worst enemy.

Part of me feels that I shouldn't be writing this and I should suffer in silence, 'get over myself' as many of you will be thinking but the fact is this is happening to me, that is a fact and hiding myself away is not helping.

I just want to be happy, I want a life in which I feel I have achieved something meaningful and worth while.

If anyone has any advice for me I would be grateful, I hate to say this because I am independent and always have been but...I need some guidance and help to pull through this.

I would love to hear other people's experiences and if the anti-depressants actually helped them...?

I hope my next post will be a cheerful one and  things will have improved...